It Was the Best of Morning Sickness, It Was the Worst of Morning Sickness

(It's kind of cute, how I'm writing this like my morning sickness experience is over and I'm fondly reflecting on the horrors I've endured over the past almost three months. That's a lie. I threw up just this morning, so who knows when it will actually end.) 

This post is dedicated to all the friends I have getting married in the next month or so or who recently got married and are looking forward to the joys of pregnancy one day themselves. Here is a definitive ranking of the worst times to throw up, starting with the "best".

9 - Right before bed

Now, you might be thinking, why right before bed? Well, it's easy. You just throw up, and then you can just lie on your bed and fall asleep and get up the next day. Also, I find that throwing up tends to wear me out, which makes it easier to fall asleep (as strange as that sounds).

8 - Between breakfast and lunch

This is where I currently am - it's a nice regular pattern. I wake up, eat breakfast, throw it up a few hours later, take some time to recover, eat lunch, then get on with my day. Since my mornings are pretty chill, it doesn't disrupt much.

7 - Before you brush your teeth

This is just a victory. If you were planning on brushing your teeth anyway and then throw up right before doing that, you're totally set. All you have to do is brush your teeth and claim victory over your enemies.

6 - Before a meal

This is a similar note to throwing up between breakfast and lunch. You just eat your meal (unless the meal your prepared is now disgusting and you can't stand the thought of it) and you'll be fine!

5 - After you brush your teeth

The last time I went to the dentist he said my teeth looked great and he was proud of my flossing and how much my gums didn't bleed and if I just brushed my teeth and then I throw up what was the POINT even

4 - After a meal

When that happens, I probably shouldn't have eaten that meal in the first place. Levels of regret range from "10/10 would eat again despite throwing up" to "0/10 why do I make these decisions"

3 - Right after coming home from a social activity/errands

Get out of the car, rush up the stairs, unlock the door and shed my purse and jacket as I run to the bathroom and die. Leave Isaiah behind to bring up the groceries and clean up.

2 - That moment immediately after food touches your lips

Early on in pregnancy, Isaiah made some noodles and sauce. I thought it would be delicious, and we figured that since it didn't have meat (we had recently discovered that eating meat made me grossly sick) it would be find to eat. That was a lie. I sat down at the table and went to take a bite and as soon as the noodles hit my lips I had to drop everything and run to the bathroom to puke out my guts. Isaiah was then relegated to eat the "devil noodles" by himself and if he did he couldn't be near me till the smell dissipated.

1 - While kissing your husband

hahahahaha did you guys actually think I've done that? hahahahahahahahaha no I've actually been incredibly lucky in that all the times I've thrown up (minus one) was in the toilet (that one time I was outside, so). However, I can't say there weren't times that I hadn't thought about it. Make an effort not to throw up on your spouses, kids. They'll appreciate it.